I used to file my fingernails, and then I thought, "What's the point in keeping
them?"
Black Beauty, he was a dark horse.
Exit signs, they're on the way out.
I've got a sponge door. Don't knock it.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I
said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Do you know what makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
I was going to write my will today, but then I thought life's too short.
I'm a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Did you know all male tennis players are witches? Even that bloke Goran, even
he's a witch.
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said
"Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, Do you
want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
So I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow. I phoned her up and I said, "Did you get
my drift?"
I was in the supermarket and this man and woman were wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?"
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
One of my favourite games is Blind Man's Buff. It's when you find a blind man
and you polish him.
Do you ever get that feeling when you're halfway through eating a horse when you
think, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
I went in to a travel agents and I said, "I want to book a flight at short
notice" The girl said, "You've just missed it."
So I said to my mate "I don't know whether to give my dog a bone or a tin of dog
food." He said "What's the dog's name?" I said "Nick Nack Paddy Whack."
So I went to this hotel and the receptionist asked, "Do you have a reservation??
I said, "Yes, I'm worried about the price."
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it
if you paid me."
So I met this rabbit today and he said, "Are you looking at me?" It was Rabbit
de Niro.
He was male rabbit, and he said, "I'm not going any further." I said, "So the
buck stops here."
He chopped off one of his feet, I said to him "That's lucky."
People who threaten you and demand your money. You have to hand it to them.
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You
don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is fr the
custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He
said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
turtle disaster.
I was in the hairdressers today and my father's sister came in and she was
spinning around. I thought "Oh, my giddy aunt."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, it's a permanent job."
Then I took her for a candle lit dinner, and everything was undercooked.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I
said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my
house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I used to work in Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in one day and
he said "Give me a couple of whoppers" I said "You're good looking and your
musicals are great"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I
thought that's Aboriginal.
When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be comedian. He told me to go and
practise in the bath. He gave the same advice to my brother. Unfortunately he
wanted to be an electrician.
So this bloke said to me "Do you agree with arranged marriages?" I said "Yes I
do. I went to a marriage once that hadn't been arranged and it was chaos"
I was in the cinema watching a very sad film and this bloke behind me started
wailing. Then I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.
I went into the butcher shop and the butcher said "I bet you can't reach those
pieces of meat that are hanging from the ceiling" I said "I won't bet you, the
steaks are too high"
My dad has his kidney hanging from his elbow, his liver is attached to his right
knee, and his spleen sits on his head. Still, his hearts in the right place.
I see the price of hearing aids is going up. Deaf people all over the country
are shouting "How much?" And I never thought I would hear myself saying that.
I met this bloke and he was chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to
pull a fast one."
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in
there.
Then I got home and there was this burglar, and he was ironing my shirts. So I
hit him. Well you've got to strike while the iron is hot.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No,
you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
them?"
Black Beauty, he was a dark horse.
Exit signs, they're on the way out.
I've got a sponge door. Don't knock it.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I
said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Do you know what makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
I was going to write my will today, but then I thought life's too short.
I'm a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Did you know all male tennis players are witches? Even that bloke Goran, even
he's a witch.
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said
"Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, Do you
want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
So I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow. I phoned her up and I said, "Did you get
my drift?"
I was in the supermarket and this man and woman were wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?"
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
One of my favourite games is Blind Man's Buff. It's when you find a blind man
and you polish him.
Do you ever get that feeling when you're halfway through eating a horse when you
think, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
I went in to a travel agents and I said, "I want to book a flight at short
notice" The girl said, "You've just missed it."
So I said to my mate "I don't know whether to give my dog a bone or a tin of dog
food." He said "What's the dog's name?" I said "Nick Nack Paddy Whack."
So I went to this hotel and the receptionist asked, "Do you have a reservation??
I said, "Yes, I'm worried about the price."
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it
if you paid me."
So I met this rabbit today and he said, "Are you looking at me?" It was Rabbit
de Niro.
He was male rabbit, and he said, "I'm not going any further." I said, "So the
buck stops here."
He chopped off one of his feet, I said to him "That's lucky."
People who threaten you and demand your money. You have to hand it to them.
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You
don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is fr the
custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He
said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
turtle disaster.
I was in the hairdressers today and my father's sister came in and she was
spinning around. I thought "Oh, my giddy aunt."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, it's a permanent job."
Then I took her for a candle lit dinner, and everything was undercooked.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I
said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my
house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I used to work in Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in one day and
he said "Give me a couple of whoppers" I said "You're good looking and your
musicals are great"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I
thought that's Aboriginal.
When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be comedian. He told me to go and
practise in the bath. He gave the same advice to my brother. Unfortunately he
wanted to be an electrician.
So this bloke said to me "Do you agree with arranged marriages?" I said "Yes I
do. I went to a marriage once that hadn't been arranged and it was chaos"
I was in the cinema watching a very sad film and this bloke behind me started
wailing. Then I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.
I went into the butcher shop and the butcher said "I bet you can't reach those
pieces of meat that are hanging from the ceiling" I said "I won't bet you, the
steaks are too high"
My dad has his kidney hanging from his elbow, his liver is attached to his right
knee, and his spleen sits on his head. Still, his hearts in the right place.
I see the price of hearing aids is going up. Deaf people all over the country
are shouting "How much?" And I never thought I would hear myself saying that.
I met this bloke and he was chatting up a cheetah. I thought, "He's trying to
pull a fast one."
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in
there.
Then I got home and there was this burglar, and he was ironing my shirts. So I
hit him. Well you've got to strike while the iron is hot.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No,
you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
